And yet a third:

Alex Cacioppo
10/26/02

Area Man Sees Independence Day for the First Time, Annoys the Hell Out of His Neighbors




According to MSNBC and CNN sources, resident of Wilmington, Delaware Larry Whitestone, 27, has seen Independence Day for the first time, a record six years after its first release. In the process, he has totally annoyed the “holy living shit” out of his neighbors, who, of course, have seen the movie “like, a billion times.”
The movie, starring a six-year younger Bill Pullman, Jeff Goldblum, and Will Smith, has become Larry’s obsession, immediately starting on the night he rented it, luckily, from a nearby Blockbuster’s.
“I was surprised that [Independence Day] wasn’t on the shelves, so I asked the clerk,” recounts Larry. “The guy was like, ‘Dude, are you shittin’ me? We don’t have that on stock anymore! Go over to an antique store, they might have it.’ I just can’t understand why a big video rental chain like that wouldn’t carry a hit movie like Independence Day!”
Then, trying to act out parts of the movie, he said, “Remember the part with Will Smith finding the alien in the ship? That thing was some weird-looking shit with that exoskeleton thing! And,” trying to stifle his laughter, “Will Smith’s like, he’s like ‘Now that’s what I call a close encounter.’ That was so funny!” Larry continued to laugh hysterically at the now really unfunny joke.
“Oh, yeah,” Larry said as he suddenly remember something else, “and the part with him in the fighter jet and the alien ship fires that green stuff at him, and he’s like ‘No you did not shoot that green shit at me!’ Ah, that’s gold. And the computer effects were incredible. I hear by next year, Independence Day, or ID4, however you call it, I personally like ‘ID4’, the video game will be on PlayStation. Hot shit!”
Robert Sanders, 32, neighbor of Larry’s who lives in an adjacent house, expressed his thoughts on Larry’s “pathetic”, “really, really sad” obsession with the now-ancient movie.
“I just think it’s fuckin’ sad, you know. I mean, Jesus, how old is that movie? Six years? Get a life. I mean, it’s not like it was hard during the interim to watch it. It’s been on FOX on the 4th of July pretty much ever since. Jesus, it’s even worse than the week earlier when he asked me if I thought Bill Clinton might get another term, or if,” in a slightly demoted voice, “this is really sad, if mad cow disease is real. God. If you’re watching, Larry, for the last time the answer’s yes.”
Laura Baker, divorced wife of two who lives across the street, shared her thoughts on Larry, or, as she calls him, “that annoying loser.”
“What do I think of him?” she asked. “What do I think? Well, for one, he’s annoying as shit. Seriously. He has this delusion that I’m attracted to him for some reason. I mean, I just divorced my husband. I need my space. And, besides, I have two kids, they’re both in the first grade at this, uh, private school for gifted . . . whatever, that’s beside the point. [Larry] keeps trying to invite me over to his house to watch that goddamn movie and I’m like, well, ‘Uh, no, because I need to take care of my children, and I’ve already seen that miserable load-of-crap movie a trillion fuckin’ times now. It’s gotten old a million years ago.’ I’m like, Get a life, you loser.”
Seemingly never despairing at trying to entertain his neighbors with “jokes” and “memorable moments” from the movie, Larry continues to try his best at making the movie what it has been for him for everyone else.
“I just think that Independence Day is a great movie. I’d like to thank the people at Twentieth Century Fox personally. Keep up the good work.” And, citing the talent of Will Smith, the leading actor in the film, Larry said, “Oh, yeah, he’s a great actor. He has a whole lot of talent. I just can’t wait to see his upcoming movie Men in Black.”