Tonight at 10 PM the Discovery Channel is scheduled to broadcast a program about the real identity of Christopher Columbus, "Columbus: Secrets From the Grave." Dramatically declaring, NO MAN HAS EVER GONE FURTHER TO HIDE HIS TRUE IDENTITY, the program will concern recent DNA testing ('genotyping') and "3D laser scanning" conducted by "forensic anthropologists" of the bones attributed to Columbus, who contributed toward the extermination of the native Arawak population of Hispaniola (as noted by historian Howard Zinn), from "the chest that holds his bones", owned by "his direct descendant Anunciada Colon". In addition to being a murderer from Genoa, like most conquerers, the program will ask whether Columbus could "have been a pirate, a Jew fleeing the [Spanish] Inquisition or the illegitimate son of a Spanish aristocrat", and will attempt to answer why Columbus went "to such great lengths to keep his origins a mystery". So, tune in. And, uh, drop out.